Supreme Wizard and Imperial Commander of the Fairfax County Police, Lt. Colonel Edwin C. Roessler Jr orders $10 million in new door knobs for the McLean Police Station. Cites Jelly donut problem as motivation.
Pictured above, man believed to be Supreme Wizard and Imperial Commander of the Fairfax County Police, Lt. Colonel Edwin C. Roessler Jr
Inspired by the new $20,000,000 dollar roof for the Fairfax County Police Station in McLean (That’s twenty million dollars of your money. Think about it while you sit in traffic because we don’t have enough roads) Acting Police Chief and imperial commander of the Fairfax County Police Air Force, Navy and secret drone program, has authorized the purchase of $10,000,000 in new door knobs for the station.
“The problem is jelly donuts” the actor in chief lisped “The cops eat one after the after and leave jelly stains on everything they touch. Well, I hope those are jelly stains. At least that’s what I’m telling myself…it’s just so icky-poo”
The Chief Actor also commented that the donuts also leave white stains all over the cop’s ill-fitting and oddly colored pants.
Roessler, a life long government worker, said he intends to pay for the door knobs by “Putting in a request to the guy who picks cash from the magic money tree”
When asked to comment on the expense, Fairfax County Supervisor Gerry Hyland said “If any cop wants to take a steam bath with me, call me”