I’m in the closet but I’m thinking about coming out of the closet.
I lost my alibi weapon and I think it might be in my other uniform that’s here in the closet. But I can’t find it.
So the phone rings and its Officer Terry Hudgins, our spokesperson. You can’t say spokesman anymore which is too bad because nobody is sure what Terry is, a man or a woman. Of course there are tell tale signs, broad shoulders, muscular frame, thick legs, arm hair......you know, all the things that tells you it’s a female member of the force. But still, we’re not sure what we got here.
Once, in an effort to find out what Terry is, I asked, “So what did you used to do?” and Terry goes “Pro golfer”
I said, “Terry has anyone in the department ever talked to you about being ambiguous?”and Terry goes “I don’t discuss religion on the job Chief”
I gotta remember to look up ambiguous, maybe that’s the one that means you can use two hands instead of favoring one....no, wait... that word is bisexual.....oh! I remember now, ambiguous mean living under the ocean. So I said, “Well, I’m asking Terry, because I really like fish”
There was this really, really long silence so I go “What’s up Terry?”
And Terry goes “Barbered wire, search lights, machine gun torrents”
I felt myself getting aroused “And leather....we’ll need handcuff, but I have some.....I’ll have to go back in the closet” I added with a throaty hiss
“Leather?” Terry asked “Why? You can’t build a barricade with leather”
“Barricade?” I asked “Oh yeah, Barricade...well we can’t put all that around the police station” and Terry said, “No, I want to put it the our northern border of the county”
And I goes “Why?” becuase I wanted to know why and Terry said “Three words, Chief........D.C.”
I wasn’t listening. My little twisted mind was far away on my second favorite subject behind shooting people, talking about leather, and ballet.....that’s right....redesigning the police department....I had always thought that headquarters would look just scrumptious in a California inspired light mauve with torques trim. I’m also partial to playful pinks and for years, I’ve thought that our uniforms would be vastly improved with playful animal prints in vivid colors, according to season of course. And girlfriend, don’t even get me started on what I would do with our squad cars. I really need to get back into that closet.
“Naw” I said “We can’t do it Terry...I’ll tell you what, why don’t you set up a road block, stop and one thousand cars, tie up traffic, burn precious fuels, cost people time and money and make a 1% arrest rate for DUI.”
“One percent?” Terry said indignantly “Hell, we can get 25% by just testing our own guys in squad cars...we could make a year’s quota on the speed pills alone, those guys carry”
“I know, I know” I told him...her.....I told Terry... with a smirk “But if we don’t spend every penny in the budget they might take it away and give it to the school system so they don’t have to fire a teacher ”
“People just have all the wrong priorities” Terry said.