Earlier this year, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit
Authority reported an increase in crime across the Metro rail system. This news has tossed Dan Janickey, grand
imperial wizard, or something like that, of the unnecessary McLean Police
Station to leap into action…..again. He
gives the sense that the opportunity to hire more cops with our money does for
him what porn does for a pervert.
Increased crime on the metro has space commander Dan all
aroused. But increased crime from what?
That’s the question. What are we talking here?
From no crime at all to 1 crime a year? Or, are we talking crime wave
like from a Batman movie?
Where did the crime increase? Virginia? Maryland? DC? Our immediate concern should be Northern
Virginia.
And what sort of crime increased? Is it the sort of crime
that a competent police force could hinder…calm down Janickey, I said competent…….See
what too much sugar on your donuts does?
Artist
rendering of Private Janickey on the day the metro opens
Anyway, Supreme Field
General of Overreaction Dan is all aflutter.
“We’re doubling the amount of stations we’ll have in Fairfax
County,” he said, which begs the question…….what does he care about the rest of
Fairfax County? He’s supposed to police McLean. Let the other guys worry about
their end of the county. Don’t worry
about three other stations. Again, see what too much sugar on your donuts does?
Where the hell is Pear Head Morris when you need him? He’d
be happy here. Mclean used to be an orchard. Shouldn’t he show up here five
days a week……I refuse to use the word work in regard to the police….instead of
the Mister Excitement they’ve sent us?
“It’s going to change the way we police.” Janickey said in what
was either a question or perhaps a threat.
Oh no it isn’t…….., enough with the drama already…..it’s
just a fucking metro station, it won’t hurt you. Calm down, things change. Relax. Go to the evidence room, have a
Quaalude, put your feet up. Everything is going to be okay.
Gees.
Janickey said his “officers are ready to police the
expanding area”….well I should fucking hope so.
Why do you think we pay you? To hand out self-aggrandizing awards to
each other? Oh by the way, the McLean
cops gave cops 13 awards to themselves in one season. Thirteen.
Artist
rendering of Corporal Janickey.
Interesting side note here, many say that originally the name Janickey
meant “Don’t look at me, the cows are dying, that’s what causing the smell”
“They’re excited about it,” said Corporal Janickey of the police.
“It’s going to be interesting to see how things go when the stations open.”
Yeah, their excited about it. Can you picture the Fairfax
County Cops high fiving their donut laden hooves in the air shouting “Holy
Moly! We get to guard a railroad
station! I knew that five years of high school would pay off!”
No, that didn’t happen and it’s not going to happen and if
there is any cop anywhere in the world who is excited about guarding a metro
station, we need to get that cop a new job with a sound medical plan.
Janickey also said the cops are “ready for anything”…..okay,
that’s enough. Dude, get a fucking grip. Again…… IT’S A METRO STATION for God’s
sakes not an invasion of hostile brain eating aliens from another galaxy out to
destroy a boring suburb.
Artist’s
rendering of Glorious Field Marshal Janickey preparing for metro Station
opening
No more coffee or war movies for Janickey and let’s keep him
away from the microphones as well.
There were 157 crimes committed in 10 of Virginia’s 20 metro
stations, or about 3 crimes a week that resulted in only 17 arrests in one year
in those stations.
Not a hot spot of criminal activity. There are only six metro stations in the
county and none of the Metro stations with the most crimes overall are in
Northern Virginia. Those stations are in DC or PG County.
Most of the crime increase on the Metro system, system wide,
from 2011 to 2012 was attributable to an increase in theft of small electronic
devices and from pickpockets, about 670 incidents in all. The system covers over 1,500 miles that
includes 150 miles of track.
So what we have is 670 crimes, narrowed to specific places,
during 215,000,000 passenger trips, policed by less than 500 transit cops. If
Metro were a state, it would be the safest state in the union.
Metro police are doing their job to decrease those crimes
through a successful program that places undercover cops holding decoy
electronic devices in order to become “victims” and make arrests. It’s
working. In 2012, undercover Metro cops
made 149 arrests. Paltry statistics for
what is the second-busiest rapid transit system in the United States (in number
of passenger trips) after the New York City Subway.
Fairfax County Cops will do the most good sitting outside a
station staring off into space, but even there, Metro station parking lot crime
reached a ten-year low in 2012.
There were 157 crimes committed in 10 of Virginia’s 20 metro
stations, or about 3 crimes a week that resulted in only 17 arrests in one year
in those stations.
The primary mission of the Fairfax County police is to
increase the size of its already bloated force and incredibly lavish budget and
that’s what this is all about. Let the Metro police handle the Metrorail. They
know what they’re doing. Let the McLean station police sleep it off in the
parks.
