Interview with Police Chief David Midget Rohrer.....what did you think the M stood for?

FPAI. Chief, one of your officers has filed a suit against you…wadda think about that?

Rohrer: Well, it’s not a suit. I went down to the courtroom all, like, really excited and everything because like, it’s a new suit, I was hoping for a white one, you know like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever because a lot of people say I look like him.
FPAI. Like who? What people?

Rohrer: Are you talking to me?

FPAI. There are only two of us here.

Rohrer: You could have been talking to yourself.

FPAI. That would be abnormal.

Rohrer: Yeah, says you.

FPAI. Who says you look like John Travolta? Name one person, and A REAL PERSON

Rohrer: Well, okay, that little man who lives inside my head and whispers things to me, not the evil one who makes me do things to dogs, the other one… he said it. That’s one.   

FPAI. You don’t look anything like John Travolta

Rohrer: Do too.

FPAI. No, I….

Rohrer: If I was three feet taller and didn’t have this gay guy mustache thing and weighed, like, two hundred pounds less and had smaller ears and hair, I would be the spitting image of John Travolta…….so there.

FPAI. Yeah, alright whatever, go on about the suit.

Rohrer: Well the suit wasn’t no suit at all, it was just like papers and stuff that said things on them…and not a single picture or cartoon or anything. That Bugs Bunny, biy I'll tell ya... 

FPAI.  The officer claims you retaliated against a female police captain who disagreed with how you  handled an unrelated sexual harassment investigation.

Rohrer: Now you look here! How I handle my sexual what-do-you-call-it is none of her business, and a lot of guys and can’t find dates do that.

FPAI. What?

Rohrer: Are you talking about the five knuckle shuffle?

FPAI. No.

Rohrer: Beating the Bishop?

FPAI. No, all right lets change….

Rohrer: Buttering your corn?

FPAI. Alright, stop it.

Rohrer: The ole one man tug a war.

FPAI. Stop it!. The officer accuses you of, among other things, of using emails to defame her .

Rohrer: She was never famous to begin with!.

FPAI. What?  That isn’t what defame means.

Rohrer: Oh…well, in that case yeah, I defamed her. I’ve defamed lots of broads, but lots of them wear white at their weddings anyway.

FPAI. What are you talking…..

Rohrer: You know how this got started? That Hugh Jackman guy at the Washington Post. He tells everybody everything.

FPAI. But isn’t that his job?.

Rohrer: Look, he should decide to be one of two things, an actor, a wolverine or a guy who tells people everything, you can’t be all four.

FPAI. What?.

Rohrer: Well, that’s not exactly true, you can be a wolverine and like a regular person, if you get bite by a wolf but not a regular wolf…….you know he can jump over a car?.

FPAI. All right, let’s move along.

Rohrer: I tried it once. Didn't make it. Fuck'n volkswagons.

FPAI You’ll be represented by County Attorney Karen Gibbons.

Rohrer: It hurt.

FPAI Do you feel that’s right, for the taxpayer to defend you in this case?

Rohrer: That’s cause I don’t know have no wolverine powers

FPAI Why does the County Attorney do everything you tell them to do?

Rohrer: Three words…Sal Culosi. Accidents happen all the time. Even to County Attorney’s.

FPAI. So basically you threaten to murder them?

Rohrer: Not at all. I have photographs, I’d use those first. Ask Horan. Look, all this is being handled by Internal Affairs.

FPAI. But Internal Affairs is referred to within your department  as “The white boys who handle the white wash” .

Rohrer: Now you just hold on! They are not all white, one of them is one of those…whadda call those ones?

FPAI. I don’t know.

Rohrer: You know, the urine colored ones. Real short people. Smell funny.

FPAI I don’t know.

Rohrer: I heard they eat dogs…supposed to be good at math. Like Jews.

FPAI. I don’t know.

Rohrer: Cept Jews don’t eat dogs. You know that if the sun shine son them on Saturday they’ll explode? That’s true.

FPAI. Okay, moving along.

Rohrer: Or they don’t eat dogs on Saturday maybe, because they’ll explode,  I forget.

FPAI. Let’s discuss Major Shawn Barrett, the commander of FCPD's Criminal Investigations Bureau

Rohrer: You know the ones I’m talking about? They always look like the wind is blowing in their faces? Cute little buggers but very devious.    

FPAI. Let’s discuss Major Shawn Barrett, the commander of FCPD's Criminal Investigations Bureau

Rohrer: Then we got that colored guy up there too. Talk about black. Lean him against the White House he would look like an alley way, you know what I mean?

FPAI. Let’s discuss Major Shawn Barrett, the commander of FCPD's Criminal Investigations Bureau

Rohrer: He’s on medical leave right now.

FPAI. Let’s discuss Major …

Rohrer: He’s on medical leave right now.

FPAI. Okay, fine. Why is he on medical leave?

Rohrer: He was eating a Tootsie Roll, bit his finger off by mistake.

FPAI. Okay, fine.

Rohrer: Get it?

FPAI. Yeah.

Rohrer: Tootsie Roll.

FPAI. Yeah.

Rohrer: Cause he’s a colored guy.

FPAI. Major Barrett called the officer to warn her that she was being unfairly railroaded.

Rohrer: Too bad for her, she should drive to work like everybody else!

FPAI. I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear that. Anyway, you unfairly focused on her execution of a new procedure for….

Rohrer: You stop right there! We do not execute! That crazy guy tried to pull away…..  

FPAI. I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear that….

Rohrer: Plant thieve. One thing I WILL NOT tolerate in this county is a crazy guy who steals plants.  You let one steal a plant, next thing you know..............

FPAI. Anyway, she is seeking $1 million from the anonymous accuser…..

Rohrer: I’m all in favor of people stopping drinking.

FPAI. What?

Rohrer: AA

FPAI. AA does not stand for anonymous accuser.

Rohrer: Are you sure? Shit, I'm gonna stop go'n in that case

FPAI. Anyway, Victor Glasberg, the officer’s attorney, said, when asked whether he thought the writer had a vendetta against the officer  "Does the sun rise in the east?"

Rohrer: Finish saying what Glasbeg said.

FPAI. Does the sun rise in the east?

Rohrer: What has that got to do with it? Finish saying what Glasbeg said first.

FPAI. First?

Rohrer: Who’s on first?

FPAI. What?

Rohrer: No… who….I don’t know, my eyebrows hurt. That ever happen to you? Talk aboout hurt...I pulled my zipper up fast this one time cause a car went by...

FPAI. He was speaking rhetorically

Rohrer: Then he should speak English so English people can understand him! You hire a foreign lawyer that’s what you get. Rectal speaking....I was in mcDonald the other day, I had to "Hamburger" five times....

FPAI. You know what? You’re a fucking idiot